Rating: K+
Pairing: J/C, J/P
Summary: What games do the people of Voyager play that eventually lead them to the pairings that happen?
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just borrowing them for a while.
Length: 1190 words
Date: December 1999

Kathryn dreamt every day of her life since her days in the Delta Quadrant had begun, since New Earth, since...since the day she had stepped onto the bridge of Voyager and left Mark behind of waking up in the arms of a man. She needed the companionship; she needed to let go of her lofty Alpha Quadrant rules and roles. She was no longer the be all and end all of the ship. The ship had become a family, with her the mother. She needed to take care of herself if she was going to be able to take care of anyone else.

Lately the dreams had become more prominent in her life, the images more vivid. It was then she realized...

She had always thought that her position and age etc would predispose her to run to Chakotay, she had been sure of it, but she had been wrong. After their stay on New Earth, she had become very aware of Chakotay's feelings towards her, but she had, after careful consideration upon their return realized that the only reason she had even considered reconsidering was because he had been the 'last man on earth,' or New Earth as it had been.

Kathryn realized he was the best friend she had ever had. He was so much more than a friend in ways she had never even imagined possible. He was her saviour, he was her conscience, he was...he was her sounding board, but nothing more. He could never fill the void her lovers filled. She would never let him do that. She would never risk their special bond for a possibly fleeting love affair, no it was impossible.

She had been right about one thing...their positions on this ship prevented them from ever crossing that imaginary line. Prevented them from ever penetrating the other's barriers. Problem was...seventy years was a long time to possibly spend alone, and Kathryn wasn't willing to pay that price, it was a little too high for even the lofty Captain of the Intrepid Starship Voyager.

Kathryn had come to her decision and conclusion one day about six months ago; it had come in an awkward kind of way. She had left her ready room, and for once had time to spare. She had gone to the holodeck, and had seen that Sandrine’s had been running. What the hell, she'd had an hour or two to spare, so she had entered. Nothing would have prepared her for the site that met her eyes. She saw Tom Paris hunched over a pool table crying his eyes out.

B'Elanna had left him.

Kathryn felt the mothering instinct overcome her and approached the broken man before her eyes. "It's alright Tom, sometimes these things happen. You have to believe it's for the best." Tom had practically jumped out of his seat and whirled around in a strike position. "What the hell do you know about that? When the hell did anyone ever leave you? Almost anyone on the ship would kill to be in your bed, all you'd have to do is ask 'Captain' it’s not that easy for everyone."

Kathryn had grabbed his arms before he'd had the chance to touch her. "Stop right there lieutenant. I know that this is hard for you, but you can't go around taking it out on others." She had looked into his eyes and seen the pain, seen the guilt, seen the fear, but there was something else. She knew he wasn't really dangerous, so she had let him go. She hoped he was going to be all right. She had been lost in thought, when she had felt his warm lips on hers. She had known it was wrong from a Starfleet point of view, but it had felt so right, it had felt so...like her world was finally coming together. She had pulled away after long moments of feelings she had not allowed herself to have in too long. She had looked down at the forlorn man and had caved.

"Tom..."

He had put a finger to her lips, a gesture silencing her every word. "We both need this, let me thank you for all you've done."

She had nodded numbly and that night they made sweet love. All the feelings she had thought locked and packed away forever had been reawakened and she had lost herself in the clear blue pools of his eyes, and his soul.

He had whispered sweet nothings to her, telling her he loved her, promising to never hurt her, and obeying her wishes. Kathryn had been awakened and the games had begun. The dangerous and foolish games...

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one

With Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather

Well in case you failed to notice
In case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you is is me down on my knees

These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart

*You are Tom. I'm not sure whether I should go ahead and follow my heart, or whether I should follow my Captain's instincts. What would the crew say? Would they think I'm giving you preferential treatment?*

You were always brilliant in the morning
Smoking your cigarettes, talking over coffee
Your philosophies and art, Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar

There were others... there was Kashyk... he loved Mozart...

You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring things that were clean
Things that Knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn
Somebody more like myself

Then there was Chakotay, did I really love him...

These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
And then there was you...

You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that

But is it love? Or is it lust? And in the end does it really matter...

Kathryn proceeded to her quarters. *Get a grip Katie, the last time you were this flustered about a man, he was your fiancé.*

Kathryn fell into a fitful sleep, plagued by dreams of possibilities, dreams of men, dreams of choices, and dreams of the ramifications of these possible dreams and decisions.

The loss of the life he had been denied, the life he would never live.